Anniversary
by Enishichan
Summary: Six months after the Kuni Tori, Kamatari tries to cope with life...
1. Day 1

I wake up in bed. Again. I haven't had any real urge to get out of it since Shishio-sama died. I looked around the room I'd looked around for the last six months. Everything was exactly as it had been the day I left for Kyoto. I was beginning to hate this room. It reminded me of my life before Kyoto. Keeping it the same made it feel like nothing had happened... like everything that occured six months ago was just a dream. It was all a bad dream, but in the end I wake up here, in my comfortable familiar bed, waiting for a call from my Shishio.   
Of course I would call him 'my Shishio' only in my mind. I know everyone knew how I felt about him, but I could never be that familiar, even in passing conversation with the others. I wish I could have been there.. if only to say goodbye. I throw the thin sheet back and stand up. I've decided to rearrange the room, but I haven't decided yet if I'm ready to leave it. I don't want to go out and face the real world. I want to stay here, where I can pretend my life's the same, and there is still possibility my Shishio will call for me.  
I walk over to my 'bookshelf'. I like to call it that, even though there is only one book there. It's a fantasy book, a story about a girl whose prince comes and steals her away from all her troubles. I can't read it, of course, but I know what it's about. I've played the scenes out in my own head millions of times, only I am the distressed damsel and Shishio-sama is my prince. As I look at the book, surrounded by thousands of other bobbles I've collected during my missions, I begin to feel the familiar dampness on my cheeks grow.. and I am crying again.  
I hear a small knock at the door. I know who it is, but I have no desire to see them right now. I don't want to see anyone but my Shishio. While I am here, alone, at least I can pretend that may happen again. If I let someone into my world right now, it would spoil the fantasy and I would die. 'Actually', the same thought I've had at least ten times a day since that fateful one six months ago found it's voice in my mind again. 'To die would not be so bad. I could see him again...' But then I remember. I am to be his story-teller. To share my Shishio's fantasies with the world. To let them know of his ideals and to make them understand my joy in knowing him. To not let him be forgotten. 'That', I remind myself, 'is your new mission. Your last assignment from your dearest love. You must fulfill it. You can not disappoint him..' I hear the knock again, a little louder this time.  
"Kamatari-chan!" I recognise the cheerful voice as the one I've heard every day at least once for the last half-year. It's Chou. Here again for god knows what this time. I look at the door with a slight annoyance. 'You can not disrupt my dream, Chou. Not you. Not anyone.' I firmly declare with my eyes. He knocks harder. "Kamatari! I know you're awake.. finally! I've brought you breakfast today. Come on.. I know you're hungry!"   
"Leave me alone!" I yell with all my might. "Just go away!!" He's disturbing my world! How dare he!? Confused and angry, I pick up the nearest bobble and hurl it at the door. It smashes against the door with a deafening crash. I smile, glad that I had moved into this western style house as soon as I had the opportunity. That glass jar would have certainly torn a hole in the screen of my old bedroom, which would completely defeat the purpose. Thankfully, I hear his footsteps leading him away from me and my Shishio.  
I stare silently and sullenly at the shattered glass by the door. I had bought that on my way to Kyoto. I had put a beautiful rose in it. They were so rare.. and it was so lovely. I HAD to give it to him. I had to finally let him know.. I knew he must have had a feeling that I loved him. But I knew he had no idea just how much. No one did. I kept that part of my heart locked far away. I knew he'd never feel that way about me, but I couldn't hide my feelings totally. So I made a joke of it. I fought with Yumi, knowing she would always win. I declared my love for him to anyone within earshot, knowing that what I said was only the tip of a very high mountain. And when I saw Yumi clinging to Shishio-sama.. and him with a protective arm around her, gentle and loving, I giggled and stuck my tongue out at her, saying playfully 'You may have him now, but I will get him one day'. But deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't true. I knew she'd always have him. But I would never let anyone see me cry. I would never let anyone know just how much it really hurt.  
That day.. the day I bought the flower vase I decided that when I gave him the gift I would not merely set it near him with a polite bow, then leave. I would hand it to him. And I would keep his hands in mine. And I would tell him, while looking deep into his eyes, while trying to find his soul, that I loved him more than my very life. And he'd look down into my eyes. He'd find my soul laid bare for him to see clearly. He'd take his hand from mine and from the vase and extend it to stroke my cheek which I knew would be wet with tears. I would be trembling with agonising nervousness as he wiped my face clean. I would close my eyes, fearing a mocking laugh... or worse. Finally, all my years of waiting would be over in one fluid move. I would feel his lips against mine, pressing hard, making me weak.  
But of course, I realised that would never happen. I had angrily looked at the vase with it's beautiful, perfect rose. 'He'll never love me! You won't help anything. Why are you even here? To mock me? You know I can't give you to him, yet you came along a little too willingly. I hate you little flower. I shall kill you now,' I angrily sneered at the crimson red rose as I crumbled it in my hand, ignoring the pain of the thorns and the dripping of the like coloured blood. Actually, that pain was a pleasure compared to the dull ache that started in my chest, then travelled throughout my entire body. I ran back to the room I'd been given and set the vase on a small table. I wasn't sure what to do with it. I decided to keep it as a reminder of that small hope I still had, even in the face of the harsh truth my mind knew too well.  
Now, as I look at the vase laying shattered on the floor, I can't help but begin to cry again. I fling myself onto the pillows and sob heavily into them. I miss him so much! I'd love even to hear a mocking laugh right now.. anything, as long as it's him... I finally stop crying, but the pain won't stop. I hug myself tightly and shake myself to sleep. As I drift off I wish with every fiber of my being that it would be him holding me when I awoke. This is not the first day to end like this. I am sure it won't be the last.  
  
  
  



	2. Day 2

I wake up to a knock at the door. Ugh. I wish I knew what time it was. It must be near afternoon. It's so bright in here. I look around to notice I'd forgotten to close the shades to the window directly across from my bed. 'Aa, so that's it,' I think as I throw a pillow over my face and try to go back to sleep. There is another knock, this time louder. Damn. I wish Chou would leave me alone. He's always trying to cheer me up. It seems like he wants me to forget about everything that's happened and go on to a new life. I can't do that.. he needs to understand that. I don't move, hoping he'll think I'm still asleep and go away. Then the incessant nearly silent tapping begins.   
  
"Go away!" I finally yell, without moving the pillow from my face. "Not today," that familiar voice says, cheerful as ever. I know he wouldn't care for Shishio-sama as I did, ha! who would? But I'd think he was at least loyal enough to mourn a little. He didn't. He just went on with his plans.. I can't understand that, but maybe it's because I loved him so much. Maybe I am the abnormal one? Maybe anyone else would have gone on with their life by now? I can't though. He was my life. Without him, I am nothing.   
  
"Kamatari-chan! Aww.. let me in today? You need to get up and out every once and awhile, you know,'' Chou was saying from the other side of the door. I glare at it, hoping maybe by some miracle, my gaze will become like a trail of fire and burn through the door, scorching Chou and making him leave me alone. But of course that doesn't happen and Chou just keeps chattering. Ugh..  
  
Finally I get up and walk over to the door. The broken vase from yesterday is still there and I can feel some small pebbles of glass under my feet. I don't really care. It doesn't hurt any less than the pain in the space where my heart used to be that will not go away.   
  
"I don't feel like company today, Chou. Please... just leave me alone," I plead with him. For a moment, it seems like he will leave, but just as I begin to turn back to the bed, I hear him knock again.  
  
"Oh Kamatari... I've brought a visitor. I'm sure you want to see them." I'm sure I don't. I can barely deal with Chou's constant bothering, I really don't want to deal with someone else.  
  
"I don't care, Chou. Please...." I want him to go so very much, I really do. I look around for something else to throw at the door. It worked yesterday, after all. I look at the 'bookshelf', with it's pathetic one book. I can't throw that, it contains all my wildest dreams. Next to it is a small print of a painting of Shishio-sama. I'd drawn it myself. I then secretly asked Sou-chan to go have the drawing made into a painting for me to hang in my room. It was so pretty. Professional. And amazingly, it looked just like him. I guess the drawing wasn't as bad as I thought, and of course, I suspect Soujiro helped with a description. With the painting, I felt as if my Shishio was always with me, watching over me. It was destroyed at Kyoto, as I'd left it in my room there, but luckily I'd also asked for a print to be made. A very small one, so that I could carry it around with me. That little tanuki girl had almost caused me to lose it when she hit me. It was jarred from it's place inside my kimono and almost flew out. As I lay on the ground I had noticed it sticking out. I looked at it briefly before I decided that I couldn't go back to him in that shame and pulled out my little stiletto. Damn that girl for denying me my noble ending. At least I wouldn't be in this pain now.   
  
As I begin to feel the all-too-familiar tears forming again, I hear that knock. "I won't open the door, Chou, so leave me alone," I say, trying to control the tremble that comes to my voice when I am crying. Oh god, I don't want him to know I am crying. Then he'll never go away. He gets quiet, but I know he's still there.  
  
"Kamatari?'' he says quietly. I can tell his cheerful smile is gone. "Are you crying again?" he asks. Damn! "No.." I say as calmly as I can, wiping fiercely at the salty wetness that covers my blushing cheeks.   
  
Chou sighs, "Kamatari, in all the time you've been locked in there, the times you did let me in, did I ever hurt you?" I looked at the door. No, he'd never hurt me. In fact he was the one who delivered my Shishio's message to me: the one that gave me reason to live. He seemed to be the only one who cared about me, actually. It's not that I have anything against Chou. I just don't feel like dealing with anyone right now. I tell him that, still trying hard to hide the quiver in my speech. I remind him that he said there was a visitor, and if I don't even want to deal with him, he must realise I don't want to see any visitors right now either. He sighs, but agrees. After asking me to at least let him in later to bring me breakfast, he finally leaves with the visitors. I can tell now that there are more than one by the footsteps.  
  
I breathe a jagged sigh of relief, mixed in with the sobs that were choking in my throat as I tried to hide them from Chou. As I've done at least a million times this past six months, I flop face-down onto the bed, burying my face in my lush, feather-filled pillows and sob until I fall asleep to dream yet again of my Shishio.   
  



	3. A new beginning

I look at the quickly setting sun. It's going to be night soon so I decide to find somewhere to stay for the night. "Stay at the Sakuraya!" I hear from the left. Well, that is a lucky coincidence. Lost in my thoughts, I'd almost passed what seemed to be the only inn in town when the innkeeper came out for her last advertisement of the evening.. either that, or she saw me walking by. Probably the latter, actually..   
  
I smile and turn left, entering the small establishment. I pay for the night, then head to the room, following the directions the exhausted-looking innkeeper gave me. As soon as I find the room, I drop my bag on the floor, then fall onto the bed with a similar plop. I quickly fall into a deep sleep, forgetting even to remove my sandals.  
  
The dreams I have tonight are almost exactly like the ones I had every other night since I'd decided on my ten-year journey: Visions of the man who'd defeated me. Visions of the one who'd saved me. Questions of who was right. Speculation on what I would learn on my journey. And lastly, always the last dream of the night, the vision I'd see just before I wake up, invariably, is of the one I love.  
  
Each night, that One would reach out to me and as I moved to touch the delicate fingers stretched toward me, I would wake up. And I do so this time as well.   
  
This time, however, is different. I usually woke up in a terror, afraid I'd never touch that love, but tomorrow.. in just one more day! I will finally clasp those fragile hands in my own.   
  
I look out the window at the breaking dawn. I promise that when I find my love, I will have to fill those bright eyes, the ones that often filled my dreams, with this brilliant sunrise. I get up and wash my face with a little water that I have with me. On my way out the innkeeper, who has just awakened himself, invites me to morning tea. I wouldn't mind a cup, but I politely refuse. I have to hurry to my love.  
  
I pull a small photograph from my bag and stare at the tiny image. The minuscule, yet still every bit as beautiful, face says to me, 'I'm waiting. I need you here'. I let my eyes wander over the tiny form for a while, then I reluctantly turn it over. I study the directions I'd scribbled there for a few moments, then put the photograph back into my bag and head toward Tokyo.   
  
  



	4. Another day

So, once again I'm awake. I often wish that would stop happening, but there's only one thing I can do about that, and I sometimes decide to. Something always stops me though. Oh well. Maybe one day, it'll cease to happen on its own. Hopefully.  
That would be ideal. Yes, because if I kill myself, I'd be breaking my promise to my Shishio-sama. I don't really want to live anymore though, so I often just sit and wish that one day, I simply cease to be.  
I open my eyes slowly, trying to figure out the time of day before deciding whether to get up or not.Judging by the bright sunlight streaming through the open window above me, I figure I've awakened well after noon again. That's just fine with me. Maybe if I keep waking later and later, soon I won't wake at all...  
Blinking my now wide open eyes, it hits me that the window is wide open, and it hadn't been when I went to sleep. Annoying, I hear that all too familiar rapping at my door.   
"Kamatari-chan!!" the almost too cheerful voice bellowed. I cover my head with the pillow, as if he could somehow know be fooled into thinking I'm not here if I do so. Of course, he isn't.   
"Kamatari-chan! I let you sleep in. You've been asleep for nearly an entire day, so I thought you might be sick, but you have to get up now. Let me in, please." I began to wonder if Chou had a key to my room. I was certain that the window was closed when I went to bed. If not Chou, maybe I'd been robbed while I lay unconscious? But a glance around the room quickly tells me that everything is where it should be. Once again, the irritating tapping starts.   
"I know you're awake. Let me in. I've got your breakfast here." Why won't he leave me alone? I look at the door pitifully, willing it to explode out and push him away, then return to it's solid, rectangular shape, leaving me quite alone in silence. Looking at the window again, I realise that Chou -must- have been the one to open it. 'Perhaps he does have a key and he doesn't use it during my waking hours to respect my privacy?' I wonder to myself. I have to ask him.   
Sighing, I remove the pillow completely from my face and sit up. With another deep sigh, I throw the pillow at the door. Not as effective as the vase had apparently been, the pillow just slumped there on the floor, unintimidating at all. I can still hear him breathing on the other side of the door, standing there waiting for me to answer.  
"Why don't you just come in?" I ask, voice taking on a sarcastic tint. I hear a sharp intake of air from his side, he must have forgotten to close the window again while I was still asleep; he hadn't wanted me to know about the key. A clanking noise comes from the hall, I think he set down the tray containing my breakfast.   
"I'm sorry, Kamatari-chan," he quietly said finally, after quite a long pause. "I'm so worried about you, though. I need to be able to get inside and make sure you're okay every so often. Please understand. I went out one day and found an expert locksmith. He measured the lock and made a key for me. I only use it on odd nights, when I come in to make sure you're okay. Last night I opened the window for you. You won't eat, but at least the crisp night air would do you a little good. I guess I forgot to close it, didn't I. I hope you aren't angry. I just...."  
I stay silent during his little rant. He babbles it all out, hardly taking any breaths, but I can hear the fear that I'd be angry in his voice. I wait a little, hoping that he'll finish where he trailed off, but he never does.  
I stand and walk over to the door, turning my back to it and leaning against it. "Chou-san...." I begin, not exactly sure what to say. I -am- angry. I shut myself in here to get away from everything. Anything or anyone that comes in here should always be under my exclusive consent. But, I also think, he was only looking out for me, something no one has ever done... no, something that only he has done. "I'm not angry. I suppose... I suppose that's very nice of you. Thank you for caring so much." Turning my eyes to the floor, I finish my statement and head back toward the bed.   
"May I come in now? At least have a little breakfast?" He asks hopefully. I'm not hungry, and I tell him so. After a small moment of silence, I hear him pick up the little metal tray and walk off without another word.  
  



	5. A day of shame

Opening my eyes reluctantly, my mind bypasses the fact that my room has been cleaned, the glass from days before neatly swept away, or the fact that my window is open again, causing the chill I feel creating goosebumps on my pale, sweat-covered flesh, and instead immediately registers that I am covered in a cold stickiness.  
  
Confusion contorts my face for a moment as I poke at my thighs, which are actually the only things covered by it. I trace a small slow path up my leg, suddenly remembering, the memory revealing what the stickiness is.   
  
"Not again..." I half groan/half whine. I'd had one of _those_ dreams again. Even now, it's still so vivid as the memory returns. ~"Shishio-sama...." and suddenly I felt his hot flesh within me, burning with a delicious pain.~  
  
I don't have those dreams often, but this is always the result. Of course, I have like thoughts when I'm awake, alone in my world, but I can't bring myself to defile his memory by acting on them. Only when I'm asleep does my body take such liberties on its own, and I can't control it.   
  
Cheeks burning with shame, I hop out of the bed, standing in front of it in one move. I peel off the sticky, sweat-dampened clothing and fling it across the room... hard. Very angry at myself, I at least want to break something or do something else destructive. As the fabric hits the wall with a wet smacking noise, it does little more than intensify my anger.   
  
I plod over to the little closet I keep my clothes in and pull out a large fluffy dark blue towel. As I'm now near the discarded clothing, I pick up a piece and try to dry myself as much as I can with it. Absolutely disgusted by that, I throw the linen back down and walk back over to the bed.   
  
Wrapping the towel around myself, folding it at the top beneath my armpits, I sit on the bed to think. Well, now I need a bath. Turning to the door I scowl, realizing that now I actually have to go out _there_, and I regret never thinking to put a private bathroom in here. Of course, this being my own house to begin with I never thought I'd need it, but with Chou coming over everyday- sometimes sleeping over- and the other 'friends' who help out, I really wish I had thought of it.  
  
Sure enough, as I sit on the bed absently playing with an edge of the towel while I think, that knock comes at the door. Instead of the hateful reaction I expect to have, my bottom lip starts to quiver, a definite sniffle shaking me. And instead of being angry at Chou for showing up, that shame burns through me again. I can't go out there. Not because I don't want anyone to see me, but because I don't want them to know...  
  
"Just go away!" It's hard, but I think I hid the tremble in my voice well. Soon enough I discover that I hadn't, and to my horror, he knows why.   
  
"Kamatari-chan..." And I can hear a slight clearing of his throat, as if I'm a child, and he has to be 'sensitive' with me. "It's not that bad.. I mean.. It's not like you're the only one who's ever--" And that's as far as he gets, for I just run to the door, beating on it and yelling at him to go away. His little 'comforting' speech only made me mad.   
  
My little tantrum must seem rather psychotic, but it works, leaving me alone and sinking to the floor. "I'm sorry..." The tears are already flowing, but I don't care. I hate this. I hate it all. Across the floor I crawl to climb onto the bed. The towel has miraculously stayed in place, and still wrapped in it I lay down on the soft mattress, covering my head with the pillow and hoping for darkness.  



	6. A day for death

Another day... They are getting more and more depressing as time goes on. Each time I awaken I curse the event. I have such wonderful dreams of him, that I am forced to remind myself that he's no longer here.. and that I'll never see him again.  
  
Finally opening my eyes and flopping onto my back, I throw my arms out for a stretch, then sigh, staring at the window above me. I push into a sitting position, and I'm instantly reminded of the events of the previous night... thoughts that bring a deep crimson color to my cheeks. The towel still wrapped around me, I stand next to the bed and turn my eyes to the door. I have to take that shower today. In a few minutes I am at my closet again, this time searching for something to wear after the shower. If I'm going out, I may as well go have breakfast too.. or something. I'm not exactly sure yet, but I know Chou will be there, and I will be in a better mood after I'm clean.  
  
A nice little yukata- nothing like my 'normal' attire- is what I pull out, and that done, I grab another towel and prepare to peel the one I'm wearing from my body. Though I should be relieved that I don't have to leave the room afterall, my eyes widen in horror, that crimson returning to my cheeks as I realise that the stickiness is gone. I should have noticed it when I woke up, but I just don't notice much in those first few minutes. Now, however, I am fully awake and entirely ashamed. I know who did it, and although I should be grateful that he knew I was dreading leaving the room to shower, I am nearly livid.   
  
I throw the towel at the door, then follow it with the clothing I had picked out, shrieking with each toss. It was embarrassing, and just disgraceful, but it was mine. I know he knew about it, but I could pretend it was still secretive.. I could sneak to the bathroom to shower, then pretend it never happened. But now that's impossible. It's gone and I wasn't the one to remove it. Yet again he has intruded upon one of my fantasies, and I hate him for it. Before it was simply an annoyance, but this I can't forgive. And now, as I stand staring at the door, eyes narrowed in hatred, my hands form fists at my side and tremble as nearly all of my flesh burns with the same carmine colour my cheeks had become.  
  
Almost as if on cue, I hear that familiar knock at the door. Taking slow, deep breaths, I simply stare. I have no idea what to say to him, and so far I only want to kill him. After quite a long time of silence, I simply fall to my knees and turn to my little bookshelf. There, on a bottom shelf, is a small knife that I have thought of using many times. My memories of Shishio-sama's final mission for me have always kept me from doing so, but now I don't feel like I have any right to serve him anymore. Positioning myself on my knees, nearly naked except for the partially removed towel that has pooled loosely around my waist, I twirl the knife absently in my shaking hands. I know of many sites on my body where the knife could be used for a quick death, and I am trying to decide which to make use of.  
  
As I press the tip of the knife against my throat, again there is that knock. My hands are trembling still, and I know that soon they will have too much movement to assure that I hit the right mark. Perhaps that would be better afterall... I deserve a slow, painful death.   
  
"Kamatari! Let me in!" He says, but both of us know it's just a formality. If I don't answer, he'll just let himself in again; but if I do... what could I say? I can't think of anything that would make him stay on his side of that door, or better yet, make him go away. There are no thoughts in my mind but death. My Shishio's face has left me to be replaced by an angrier man, one who knows what I've done. All of this is Chou's fault. No! It's mine. It was he who intuded upon me, but it was my shame in the first place. If he didn't know, though, I could go on pretending it hadn't happened, and continue on in denial. But I know I can't blame him. I should have done this after the first time, whether anyone knew or not.  
  
My hands start to falter, falling away from the intended spot. It isn't fear, or nervousness that stops me. It is the fact that I have heard that telltale click, and the doorknob is now turning so slowly. It would take nothing for me to run to the door now and hold it closed, but I sit there, still naked in my towel. Even if I had run, my weight is nothing now, not that it was ever much. All I can do, then, is replace the knife against my neck and wait. Chou would have no choices. Either watch me die, or try to stop me. And if he tries to stop me, it's only a small motion to jam the knife in anyway... he wouldn't be in time.  
  
"You don't really want to do that, now, do ya?" More calm and nonchalant than I expect, but of course, this is Chou, I remind myself. He simply stands there by the door, closing it behind him, though he never takes his eyes off of me. 'There's nothing you can do', I silently tell him with my eyes; my shaking hands push hard against the knife, sending the sharp metal into my soft skin. I've never been afraid to die, but the shivering throws me off. How pathetic I must look, but I deserve that as well. The next thing I notice is blackness, I didn't even feel a thing.


End file.
